Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Be a Man
Zipping up my pants.
Tying the laces on my shoes.
Putting on the last accessories.
Curling the lashes.
Taking out the trash.
Getting out of the house.
Going to work.
Being a man.
Get shit done.
Tying the laces on my shoes.
Putting on the last accessories.
Curling the lashes.
Taking out the trash.
Getting out of the house.
Going to work.
Being a man.
Get shit done.
Monday, November 17, 2008
The Human Report
The Human Report.
Subject number 1.
A seeker of danger.
Observations:
The subject closes the box. One that cannot be reopened.
A friend, he will say from the teeth on out... (repeated pattern)
But I am neither convinced nor moved.
My Intentions:
To see the world through different eyes.
Gained:
-Knowledge. There are others like me. Those who listen and give.
-A scratch. Not enough to sting, but enough to notice.
-Experience and journal material.
-A jazz cd and a doodle.
I lost:
-A bit of sparkle from the shine.
Lesson Learned:
-I am not the observer. I am the observed.
-Keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
Next objective:
Have no objective.
Subject number 1.
A seeker of danger.
Observations:
The subject closes the box. One that cannot be reopened.
A friend, he will say from the teeth on out... (repeated pattern)
But I am neither convinced nor moved.
My Intentions:
To see the world through different eyes.
Gained:
-Knowledge. There are others like me. Those who listen and give.
-A scratch. Not enough to sting, but enough to notice.
-Experience and journal material.
-A jazz cd and a doodle.
I lost:
-A bit of sparkle from the shine.
Lesson Learned:
-I am not the observer. I am the observed.
-Keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
Next objective:
Have no objective.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The trip to him
He is waiting patiently at the end.
I am taking an adventure to find him.
There's no rush.
He will wait. I will get there.
Sometimes I take him for granted.
But I am forever grateful.
I am taking an adventure to find him.
There's no rush.
He will wait. I will get there.
Sometimes I take him for granted.
But I am forever grateful.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Insightful
2 weeks ago I decided that the thoughts brewing inside and out of my face lacked a certain rhythm of steadiness. It was becoming predictably unpredictable and I needed to make sense out of my self destructive behavior. I decided to see a shrink.
45 minutes later, my dear friend had found me to be a delightful complex hybrid of ADD, ADHD, and bipolar combined. WTF? I was thinking maybe a hint one of the three, but a complex version of the combo? You gotta be kidding me?
The psych reassured me that it was based on a prediction and that further testing was necessary. I assured him that the world of categorizing was full of shit and that it was a simple case of me not loving myself enough to stop being a depressed fool.
He said I was very insightful.
No shit. I pay attention to every fucking detail. My real problem is finding where the details apply or why they exist.
Tomorrow is session two with my dear friend "the paid listener." What a great job. Maybe that's something to consider huh? A psych major...
oh god. It's my tail again... why can't I stop chasing it...
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Love from the Outside
You're waiting in line for lunch at the high school cafeteria. For just $2, you could get a meal that covers all your basic supplements of the day: calcium, protein, breads, sweets, greens, and juices. For just $2,you can fill your stomach with a really shitty meal. The lunch meat in your sandwich tastes like mutated plastic pig slices. Mash potatoes are a general mound of slop. The tator tots are never crunchy but you will eat them. Everyone still buys their lunch despite the known fact that cafeteria high school food is comparable to dog food for humans.
Not me. Today, I'm brown baggin it.
Not me. Today, I'm brown baggin it.
This girl wears her heart on her sleeve...
It's the best way I know how to communicate. Enjoy a treat from my diary to you. Maybe you could even partake in the unraveling of the mess of life I make and push me to spring clean my head.
So far I get that I am extremely dramatic drama mama. It is either cold or hot but never warm. I thought that in writing, the plot must be thickened in order for readers to stop for a moment to absorb a piece of my thoughts. Perhaps I am trapped in my storybook life that is much more interesting than a self depressing martyr who waits for life to happen and does nothing to kick start the movement, but insists on writing about how there should be movement. Wah wah fucking wah.
When will I grow some balls? Just because I surround myself with movement doesn't make me a mover. And moving for 1 week does not uphold against the 3 weeks wishing I had kept moving.
Am I moving yet? No. I am still writing. SHIT SHIT SHIT!
I am reluctant to set up goals because goals have been insignificant due to the over use of writing them and forgetting about them. I should set some permanent goals in permanent ink on my wall in my room and see how that works for me. But then I will want to change directions a week later and the permanent ink will mock me and remind me how consistently unstable this head on my shoulders is. Then I will avoid my room because I am too embarrassed to show myself in front of the goals and then I will do my best to pretend I never wrote them. Going out of my way has become a lot more work than actually fulfilling my goals. What the hell is wrong with me?
So far I get that I am extremely dramatic drama mama. It is either cold or hot but never warm. I thought that in writing, the plot must be thickened in order for readers to stop for a moment to absorb a piece of my thoughts. Perhaps I am trapped in my storybook life that is much more interesting than a self depressing martyr who waits for life to happen and does nothing to kick start the movement, but insists on writing about how there should be movement. Wah wah fucking wah.
When will I grow some balls? Just because I surround myself with movement doesn't make me a mover. And moving for 1 week does not uphold against the 3 weeks wishing I had kept moving.
Am I moving yet? No. I am still writing. SHIT SHIT SHIT!
I am reluctant to set up goals because goals have been insignificant due to the over use of writing them and forgetting about them. I should set some permanent goals in permanent ink on my wall in my room and see how that works for me. But then I will want to change directions a week later and the permanent ink will mock me and remind me how consistently unstable this head on my shoulders is. Then I will avoid my room because I am too embarrassed to show myself in front of the goals and then I will do my best to pretend I never wrote them. Going out of my way has become a lot more work than actually fulfilling my goals. What the hell is wrong with me?
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